Davy has been going to soccer for a few months now and mostly loves it. Actually, she loves the games, the running and her dear dear precious coaches. BUT getting her on the field has been incredibly challenging. The transition from not playing to playing has been really hard on her. The thing is, Davy is actually an incredibly shy kid. If you know her she is boisterous and hilarious and a clown. If you don’t she is sullen and likely to growl at you. The shyness we honor, we are seriously working on the growling.

So every week we have this push and pull for soccer. She is so excited to go, but once she gets there she doesn’t want to go on the field. At the beginning of each class the kids have to introduce themselves and answer a question (like what’s your favorite color). This seriously gives Davy an anxiety attack. Before I realized that this was the thing that was causing her anxiety, her favorite coach (coach Dan) would sit with her. She would whisper the answer in his ear and he would scream the answer on the top of his lungs, thus making her giggle. Now we just skip the into and she feels better.

Once they start playing the games and she is on the field, she is fully herself, it just takes a tremendous amount of preparation and encouragment to get there. Last week was winter break and I signed her up for Soccer camp. There she began to really know and trust the coaches. By the last day, she would run up to them and not need me at all. It was a HUGE deal for us. She felt comfortable. For a kid like Davy who is so shy, this is a big leap.

So this Thursday, you can imagine our surprise when they randomly switched coaches. Davy ran up to her two favorites, Coach Dan and Coach Kathleen and they explained that they were going to be with the little kids and she would have new coaches.

Davy went limp and just started to scream, then she started to bolt for the field with the little kids. It was horrible. I basically had to pin her to the ground and wait for her to calm down. It was so hard. When davy gets really upset she gets these gushing bloody noses. Horrible. So painful for her. It’s so painful to watch. I went over to the owner of the soccer place and very loudly proclaim “Wow you guys really fucked up”. Kids need consistency. I know I was that mother. They probably thought I was cray cray. I was sobbing with her because it felt like all of the progress she made had crumpled in one second.

After I calmed down and could actually have a conversation, the owner apologized. He had no idea that it was going to be such a big deal (there were other kids who were having a hard time too, just Davy’s was the most dramatic). We were both exhausted and freaked out. I am glad they switched teachers, Davy was mostly fine after her meltdown. Maybe i am a crazy mother. Maybe I push too much. I seriously don’t know if I did the right thing or not, but it felt right at the time. I just want my kid to have a fucking chance. The world is going to shit enough, she is going to have to learn to move past her shyness. I just wanted her to have this. God this shit is hard.

I haven’t blogged in a while. Partly because we have been rearranging the house and my computer has been unplugged and mostly because it has taken me a while to process this holiday season. It was ROUGH. Call my friend Judith (the child psychologist rough). I only do a phone in with her when things are feeling out of control. She gives amazing perspective and ideas on how to help us through this rocky time. Davy has gone from the 10th percentile in height to the 40th in one year. One year. 4 inches. Her little body is out of whack and that has a direct impact on her emotional stuff.

The month of December was very very very hard. Dave’s a kid who really feels all her feelings and there were many many many that month. Couple with sugar, couple with an adult in our life who fed her an entire package of Red Jello, coupled with parties, and visitors and more parties and more sugar, well you get it

Our holidays are very long and there are many of them. We are a family who celebrates Chanukah and Christmas and New Year and Genna. That is a lot of activity. It felt to me like there was a lot of noise and a lot of fun, so much so, the regular days were rough.

Today was the first day things were back to normal. The moms during drop off Davy’s school were all lined up waiting for them to open. One mom kept uttering “sixteen days, its been sixteen days”. Today was also the day that we actually had fun. I think there is a direct correlation between normalcy and happiness.

Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful for the holidays. I love our traditions. I love that Davy can say the Barucha over the Chanukah candles and then in the same breath profess Jesus as the King of Kings. This is our life. The religious stuff she will figure out. The love she feels, the traditions she knows. She got a book a night for Chanukah and then millions and millions of gifts for Christmas.. Her favorite thing is a bunch of books that has a little reader attached. I asked her why she like it so much and its because “She can read them herself”. Favorite Gift, books. Love her. Love that.

There were moments of great beauty and fun during this time. I love the holidays. I love our family, friends, our dearest friends who are our family and life. I am just really really really glad to get back to “normal” whatever the hell that means.