So after my emotional breakdown last week I thought I would post an update because despite my glumness a lot of very happy and positive things happened last week.  Lots of folks emailed me with lots of support to “hang in there” which was very sweet and encouraging.  It reminded me of the richness of our community. I feel lucky and loved.

I had an encouraging conversation with our agency. They were pretty assuring that the media was making a bigger deal out of the Ethiopian adoption issue than what was being felt on the ground. They also said (good info) that when we had started this process they were able to push larger batches of referrals through at once. Now that there are two trips and higher bureaucracy that the referral are coming in more as a trickle- but to hang in there (like we were going to give up now).

My most amazing and wonderful former knit group the Durham String Thing surprised me with a sock yarn baby blanket and my friend Katherine knit me a giant stuffed elephant. They really are a terrific group of folks and I feel really lucky to still consider myself a String Thinger.  I also started an informal knitting group with a new friend this week. When she asked about the adoption (I was doing a bit lamenting) she said she was pulling for us even before she ever met us.

My friend Lori– sent me this link about getting to the top of the waiting list and how it apparently makes everyone a little fucking crazy. I am totally going back to re-watch the Gilmore Girls from Season 1. That shit is like crack cocaine and Lexipro mixed into one dvd.

The highpoint of my week came at my volunteer gig. I volunteer at Africa House in the senior citizen art class. Many of the seniors are Ethiopian with a few Eritrean and Somali folks thrown in. I feel so lucky that I get to go there once a week and get hugged. Really hugged. I should totally be paying them to hug me. It is the best freaking therapy on the planet. One of my favorite seniors Momena gives these wonderful full body hugs. Truly I can’t get enough of them.  So I was feeling a little fragile on Friday and kept just randomly hugging Momena—it helped, it helped a lot.

The art teacher was off for the holidays and I was asked to fill in doing a craft. We made these little bird ornament thingys out of felt. I think they had fun with the project. I had fun with the project. Some of them came out utterly amazing some came out amazing- some more um, special. I don’t used the word “blessed” very much in my vocabulary- but I really truly believe in my heart of a thousand hearts that I am overwhelmingly blessed to get to spend even a second of my life with such an awesome group of people.

Here is a link to the photos on my flickr page.

So yeah, I am feeling better. Also its 10:46 a.m. on a Sunday and I have no intentions of getting out of my pajamas until its time to meet our friends for dinner—even then it’s a toss up if I am going to change out of them. It’s Portland right? I can wear anything to dinner.

I think I am starting to hit my low point in this adoption process. I have been so patient but now I have officially lost my mind and am giving into my emotions.  I mean I am totally an emotional person- so it’s miracle that I haven’t given in before—right?

It might be a case of holiday melancholia- feeling a little resentful that we are STILL childless over the holidays is starting to sting this year. We knew that by we wouldn’t have a kid by Christmukah 2010- but I am starting to feel a little antsy.

A terrible thing happened in Ethiopia – a few babies died. It is the most horrible thing imaginable and a stark reminder that we take basic health care and low infant mortality for granted here in developed countries. Obviously this has an effect on our own adoption. I am not bitching about that—please- don’t for a second that I am. One of my dear friends daughter was one of the three—and her loss had a visceral affect on our community. It’s a terrible terrible loss of a beautiful beautiful baby. My heart truly aches for those families. I give my friend a tremendous amount of credit for handling her loss with so much grace and bravery.

What is concerning me is the lack of movement from our agency and the lack of communication.  There hasn’t been a significant amount of referrals in almost 8 weeks. Frankly it’s really freaking me out. There was recently an article about how Ethiopia is under scrutiny for illegal or immoral adoption and in my (weekend paranoid state) I think that something is “up”. I really need to know what’s going on because it’s making me crazy. I want our fucking referral. I want this process to keep moving a long. It feels stalled. I hope this is temporary- but yeah- today, right now; it’s getting the best of me.

I am posting this- not because I need people to tell me its going to be okay—I know our kid is out there and waiting for us. I always say that adoption isn’t for the faint of heart. I consider myself a pretty brave and wise person, but yeah. Today it fucking sucks an assburger sandwich.

So today we found out we are number 5 on the adoption wait list! This is really really good and exciting news. It literally means we can “Get the Call” any freaking time. This is when they tell you who your kid is going to be! Since we said we were open to a boy or girl from 0-12 months at the time of referral- it can really be anything. We will have a photo, a name, history and medical records. This is a huge moment because we will see our kids face for the first time. I just want to know whom this little person will be- I have been really good. I have no patience as a person, and I have been really patient – but yeah I am ready. I was staring at my cell phone, willing it to ring today.

I keep thinking about all the scenarios of us getting the call. Will it be next week when we are visiting my dad and step mom in Vegas? Problematic – dad hates it when I scream – and I am gonna scream. Will it be when I am at a temp job? Oy vey I will have to bail or at least lose my ever-so thin veil of professionalism. Will it be over the week of Christmas when our dear friends are visiting? Will it be (probably because it will be the most inconvenient) when Andy is en route somewhere and on an airplane, unreachable and I will have to sit with this info by myself. Or will we just be at home, hanging out; thus turning a totally uneventful and unmemorable day into an extremely eventful and memorable one.

Will we get to hop on a plane the next day and whisk our kid away? Nope, of course not. Bloody sucks. A few weeks after the referral our adoption agency will give us a court date (usually about 2 months away) and that’s when we get to go and meet our kid for the first time. This is a new process and I don’t think we will get to spend all that much time with our kid. It’s probably not a great idea to bond with this little person only to leave again, breaking both of our hearts. We have some friends who are on the first trip now. Sometime after our first trip (like 6-12) weeks we will get to pick our kiddo up and he/she will be ours forever.

Adoption is a long-ass process and it ain’t for the faint of heart.