It’s 4:55 a.m. I just finished giving Davy her bottle and rocking her to sleep. I used to think 4 a.m. was on of the cruelest hours on the clock, neither morning or night, now i am starting to think of it as a dear friend.
Things are going well. This parenting thing has a huge learning curve. I am starting to realize that really, you can’t screw your kid up in a single moment. More of a series of let downs. So today, I took Davy to the library, which was too much for our little bit. I rushed home, cradled her to sleep. Snuggled and cooed to her. We were okay with each other once again. It’s the big gestures and the small mixed together. Not to toot my own horn, but I think I am better at raising this little being than I thought. I was worried. I was worried that I would never feel relaxed around her enough to get her to sleep, or that I would have to keep up the energy play until my batteries ran low. I was worried I would suck at this new experience. I am a pessimist by nature, so the fact that I enjoy it so much, love her more then I could ever imagine, can entertain her to the point when she laughs so hard, she squinches up her perfect nose truly feels like a blessing to me. I know it sounds strange that I would be worried after all I we have been through to get her here, but I am a worrier nonetheless.
This morning I was rocking her and I was stuck by how much she looked like her birthparent. Same angular jaw, same high cheekbones, full eyebrows and tiny nose. We believe that Davy’s birth story is her own to tell, so I am going to keep the gender of her birthparent neutral. I am going to refer to her/him as both him and her. She has one birthparent, this is a grammatical conundrum so try to keep up. I have mentioned before that I am an ambivalent believer in God. There are times in the process that have made me question my faithless faith and meeting her birthparent is one of those moments. Davy’s birthparent lives in rural Ethiopia. When we asked what her hopes and dreams for his daughter are, the answer was “to grow, get an education and become an intellectual”. Although we have never articulated it that way, we share the same hopes and dreams. Davy’s birthparent loves her beyond measure. So do we. We now love her birthparent beyond measure. Meeting Davy’s birthparent somehow enabled us to love her even more. We have to love her for three parents not just for two. We have a responsibility to make sure she was loved, to make sure she knows that in Ethiopia she has a parent who loved her selflessly enough to make sure that her for dreams could come to fruition. There are moments when adoption is ugly, sad, bureaucratic, unfair and horrible. There are moments when adoption is beautiful beyond anyones expectations. Now that this process is over, the beauty of this creature, her history and life have made up for the ugly times.
Every night we give Davy three kisses, one for each of her parents. For she is loved beyond continents, cultures, families, race and religion. If that ain’t going to shake your faith a little, I don’t know what would. I love you little Davy Dinkenish Beach. You are rocking my world little one, now please, go to sleep.