Oh the Humanity


Tonight we have a very special guest blogger- Mr. Andy Beach is going to tell his side of the story

Tonight was not a good night. It might have been the most gross night of my adult life. Really disgusting. Epically disgusting.

note from Andy: While it was very disgusting, I’m not sure it qualifies as the grossest, though the smell was something i will take to my grave.

Today was a beautiful day in Portland. It’s warm and sunny. Tomorrow its suppose to go up to 90 degrees which makes people out here freak out. It’s about as hot as it gets. We have all of these adorable little dresses. We never really put Davy in them because its a little cold here. Today, because of the sunshine and because I was feeling sunny and optimistic we put Miz Davy in one of those super cute summer dresses. It’s part onsey (has snaps) and part dress. It was (I say WAS) bright green. It had a dragon fly on it. The three of us are going to Salt Lake City next week and I was telling Andy that it’s the perfect little outfit for her to travel in- when it’s hot out.

We had a plan, we were going to go to Target and then out for Vietnamese food. Here is what happened in Target. Davy shat all over herself AND because there wasn’t really anything to hold it “in” no shorts, no pants, she shat all over the shopping cart. Here is how we discovered it. Davy got quiet and then she looked at us sheepishly. I smiled back sheepishly. Then Andy started screaming “Oh MY GOD OH MY GOD What what wa wha wha OH MY GOD- what what do we do?” Me, “I Don’t know? Just leave her here’? Go back to Ethiopia for another child? I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO”. We were obviously past rational at this point. It was really bad. Also because Davy is a wiggle worm, she was rolling around it, it was up her leg, on her hands, on her shoes. ALL OVER the poor innocent shopping cart. Everywhere.

note from Andy: I don’t recall actually screaming, though the fumes may be effecting my memory. We were a lllooonnnggg way from the bathroom and really did have to have a discussion about where it was best to change her in the car, in the bathroom, or just go back to ethiopia and start over.

We ran to the front of the store. Avoiding eye contact of all the people. We were giggling hysterically at this point. Actually so was Davy. She just didnt know why, just that her parents had clearly lost their minds. We went to the front of the store. I grabbed a ton of target shopping bags. I wrapped DAvy up in the bags and carried her to the restroom. Andy was stuck dealing with the cart. Davy got her first bath in the Target bathroom. She thought it was neat. After a comprehensive wipe down, change of clothing, our girl was as good as new. Frankly our meltdown was worse then hers (her’s came later).

note from andy: I was standing in a heavily trafficked hallway near two very popular water fountains trying to clean feces. at some point a guy was getting really eggy because i couldn’t let him past so i stood back and let him pass right through. The surprise on his face when he saw the cart plus the smell hit him was almost worth it.

I went to the woman’s department, bought a new t-shirt (cause mine was covered in baby shit). She got a new pair of socks (note to self- bring socks in her go bag next time). We fed her dinner at the starbucks in Target, then we had Vietnamese food as planned (I was dubious, but Davy was fine- she just really doesn’t like Vietnamese food).

note from Andy: Im giving Davy the benefit of the doubt here – she had a full meal sitting at target (where I by the way needed a slushy to call my nerves – frozen courage, we’ll say). I think she’ll come around to vietnamese food. If she doesn’t, she’s going to be disappointed a lot when we go out to eat.

As for the shopping cart? Andy wiped it down and handed it to a teenage boy who works at Target. Poor Poor kid. He doesn’t know what was about to hit him.

note from Andy: In retrospect, I wish i’d given him a $20 too…

Moral of the story: Don’t feed your kid homemade baby food with highly fibrous Khol Rabi two meals in a row.

note from Andy: I’m with you on that one, Lisey.


2 thoughts on “Oh the Humanity

  1. The Beach Family is really something else. I laughed so hard reading this 🙂 Oddly enough, it reminded me of Charlie & me. Charlie always had the “Poop chute Blues” as he was such a sick baby. One day I not only threw away the outfit he was wearing, but also threw out his $100 a pair corrective shoes. Consider yourselves lucky!

  2. this story has enough hilarity to carry me through two kleenex boxes of laughing-so-hard-i-cry, but the dual-narrative clean does me in. oh my, you are my favorite people.

    please be sure to get davy’s perspective next time…i’m curious about her true feelings on bun rieu.

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