When I lived in New York I had a corporate job doing Public Relations and Marketing. I was there for a long time and it was a difficult job. I had many bad days there, but there was this one day when I had a breakdown at my desk. I was working on a project, pushing to get it done, my boss left me a voice message saying that it totally sucked. She had seen it a million times at that point (and was fine with it), it was due in 2 days and it just “sucked”. She didn’t tell me how to fix it or even if I had to fix it. She wouldn’t answer my phone calls. It just sucked. I was exhausted, emotional, and burnt out. After I got her voice message, I just cried my eyes out. Not the highest point in my professional career. Actually, after that job I don’t really have a professional career. I can’t stomach it, or who I allowed myself to become after working there. I like to count that moment as one of the low points in my life. Not because the project sucked, but because I let it get to me.
The last few weeks with Davy have been really difficult. Almost as hard as that day at my former job. Davy at 16-months is turning into a tiny adorable handful of trouble. She has started hitting and having tantrums. I know this is normal stuff. Maybe a little young, but normal. As a new mom who is almost 41 years old- I am kind of at a loss as to what to do about it. I have been removing her from the situation, holding her so she looks me in the eye and say “no hitting momma”. Everybody I have talk to says we are doing the right thing- just being consistent about correcting it. When it happens she has been laughing at me. LAUGHING at me. Is this what I have to look forward to for the next 18 years? Probably. I know this is the job I signed up for.
This problem is compounded by the fact that Andy has been traveling almost every week for the last month and will continue to do so until mid April. This might be part of the problem, I am sure she misses her Daddy. She is a total Daddy’s girl. She has a lot of language, but isn’t really able to express herself at this point.
I was hesitant to write this post because I know its hard to put out there for people to read. Blogs and Facebook are meant to celebrate the finer things in life. I understand that. When we were in process for adoption I remember hearing people bitch about their kids and think “Stop bitching at least your kid is home”. I don’t want people to think for a moment that I don’t love this child of mine or that I don’t have love that she is in our life. I do. I do. I do.
It’s just that some days this job of mine is a toughie and there isn’t really anything I can do to immediately fix it.