About 6 weeks ago I was hit with a bout of depression. It is not unusual for me and it’s a feeling that is all too familiar. I am not one to dwell in my depression. I usually think “wow I am feeling really depressed. I need to do something about this asap”. I did what I needed to do. I talked about it, I saw my doctor and I made a concerted effort to work on my relationship with Andy. We have a good relationship, but well, you know…we have a kid. It’s easy to lose sight of each other.

I was also feeling exhausted all the bloody time. I am an eater. I love sugar. Some moms can’t wait to have that glass of wine. Me? Screw the wine, gimme cake. The drinkers are often thinner than the eaters.

So i decided i needed to do something so I could have more energy. I needed to curb my crappy eating. I just wanted to feel better. So I did, what I always do, I joined Weight Watchers. They have changed the program around a bit and its a little easier and more user friendly. I am doing okay on it. Nobody loves having to lose weight.

I also joined a gym. It is one of those bootcamp style gyms that promises to “kick ass”. I realize that I am not easing my way into it. Also joining a traditional gym never works for me. I hate going. I hate treadmills. I need a class and a schedule to make this work. Also I like that this place is so hard, I don’t have a lot of time to think about how miserable i am. I read the yelp reviews and it said that this place, while physically challenging, is very nice. There is no fat shaming. The instructors meet you where you are at.

So I have been going. Here is what is hard. I know am totally that fat girl at the gym. It’s okay. I am 43 years old. I know who I am and frankly, I am okay with who I am. I am not doing this to look better (that is an added benefit). My 3 1/2 year old can out run me. She is fast. Crazy-Ethiopian fast, and I need to be able to keep up with her. And most importantly, I am a much better parent when I am not exhausted all the time.

While going to the gym is physically freaking torture, emotionally its even harder. It is hard going to a place, where you are not used to going, where everyone is fitter and younger. It is hard to be in a place where you are publicly struggling to do something that others can do. Where people can follow the instructor while my dyslexic brain is trying to figure out which is left and which is right. It really sucks. But here is the thing- every time I leave, I leave a little teary because I stayed and I did it.

When i lived in New York my friend Erica and I used to go to the beach. We used to joke that it was okay because there was always going to be someone fatter in Coney Island, so we could just blend right it. It’s a mean joke that is told by my less empathetic self. There is a little bit of truth in it though. Women judge each other harshly, and we judge ourselves the harshest at all. If I can say to myself “hey I am not the fattest one” then I can make myself feel better, even by cheaply putting someone else down.

Today, i totally realized that I am that woman. I am indeed the fattest woman at the gym, and I am working my fucking ass off and every single time I lift that fucking kettleball. But it’s okay. I need to learn to judge myself less harshly. I am a 43-year old, over weight woman with a beautiful, fast and strong daughter. I don’t want her to grow up judging herself or others as harshly as I have done in the past. I need to work on accepting who I am, even if its the fattest woman at the gym, working her ass off. It’s really okay. For me being the fattest woman at the gym, now just feels like a badge of honor, a badge of courage. I have to remind myself of that everytime I go.

This post isn’t about about my weight-loss journey. Like someone with a drug or alcohol problem, I have been on and off the wagon of healthy eating my whole life. Right now my goal is one chin up and to be able to keep up with my speed demon of a child. If i fall off the wagon, don’t damn or shame or laugh at me (or anyone else). This shit is hard.