So far 2013 has been off to a mediocre start. I am trying to shake the feeling that the whole year is just going to be cursed, but right now if feels like this gloominess is creeping its way into my psyche.

Two weeks ago, i got into a car accident. We are fine, my car isn’t. It’s okay. Cars are meant to take the provable bullet for us, but it has made me weary. Here is what happened. A few nights before the accident Davy and I were at the dinner table. We always clink our glasses together and say “cheers”. This random time I said l’chaim (to life). Davy copied my, but to my total horror she said it like a non-Jew. She said l’CHI um. Not with the guttural “cha” sound that is so prevalent in Yiddish pronunciation.
Don’t know what it sounds like? Listen to this?

Well I needed to correct that behavior before her GRANDPARENTS found out. We spent some time making that guttural ccchhhhhhaaa sound, until she got it. A few days later we were in the car. She was having a snack and started practicing the Cccchhhhhaa sound. Which incidentally also is the sound most people make when they are chocking. Consequently, I looked backwards when she made the sound and well. bam. Totally hit the guy in front of me and trashed my car. Airbags went off and everything. A pretty big accident. The good news is now Davy says a perfect l’chaim.

Also our poor Bella is having an extreme grief reaction to the loss of Georgia. Even though they were never very close, they were sisters and Bella has never been a lone dog. While my heart goes out to my deeply neurotic and sensitive pooch her behavior is a little um, annoying. Basically she is back to pooping in the house EVERY time we leave her. She steals food from the countertops. She also has been tearing up Davy’s toys and our pillows. None of this is really new, but she is definitely regressing into past behavior. I feel terrible for her. She has gotten a lot of extras love and attention, but its still difficult. We have tried putting a Thundershirt on her and are hopping she will get better soon. We do eventually want another dog, but aren’t’ really ready yet. Poor poor dear.

This last week Andy was out of town and Davy got super sick. She was throwing up for hours and hours. My mom and I took her to the ER because I was afraid she was getting dehydrated. They gave her some anti nauseous medication and 20 minutes later she was dancing to Yo Gabba Gabba videos on my ipad. It was terrifying and also well, really really gross. Trying to get your two year old to understand the concept of a ‘puke bowl” was kinda lost on her.

Finally on Friday I slipped on ice and fell down my front stairs. Davy with with me, but just fell down, not down stairs. I got it all (which is good). I was greeted by the woman who cleans my house. I was sitting on the front step crying my eyes out with exhaustion and frustration. I was truly glad for her warmth and hugs.

So yeah, that’s a lot of January 14th right?

We had our family photos done by the amazing Posy Quaterman.We used some of them for our holiday cards. There were too many to choose from. Really amazing and magical. Also the whole thing only took an hour and a half. I have been wanting Posy to take our family photo since I first saw her work and well before we even knew Davy was going to be Davy. I just wanted to be ONE of those families that show up in her blog. I think she captured us so perfectly- except we look pretty good in every photo!

We have been going to the Playground Gym since Davy was a year old. It’s a great place and has definitely helped with her physical development. She loves the teachers and we have made some good buddies while we have been there. Every season the class dynamics change because big kids get moved up, people schedules change or other folks just drop out.

So today was the first day that we came back. Out of the class there were 10 boys and two girls. One being the older sister of a younger kid who semi participated and the other being Davy. For me, three and four year old boys are kind of the enemy. They are big and rambunctious and usually don’t pay a lot of attention to two year old girls. Davy was trampled twice. A mom comes with both of her kids and one is much older then the class allows. He creates a little bit of a problem because he is HUGE and really isn’t paying much attention to what’s going on around him. He bonked her pretty hard. Hard enough that I had to remove her because she was crying so hard. It was totally an accident, but I think in a class that is suppose to max out at 3 year olds, its inappropriate for him to participate. The teachers are awesome and are totally on top of it, but still. Stuff happens. After Davy calmed down, I encouraged her to join in again. She literally got pushed out of the way by two other little boys which cause another melt down.

I made some comment about how todays class is totally filled with crazy boy energy. The teachers heard me and did a girl only round of activities, but at that point Davy was totally over it. She cried and didn’t participate at all. She usually loves that class. Also she is a pretty tough cookie. She usually doesn’t have these kinds of melt downs and she can get in there with the best of them. I just think the energy of the class today was a little overwhelming.

However it does give me a bit of concern, only because I am starting to see the differences in how boys and girls are approached so young. There is a grandma in the class (who I can’t stand) she looked at Davy and said “You better toughen up girl”. I resisted to punch her and say “You better make sure your kids doesn’t become a giant douche bag”. But I digress. The question is, should I expect her to emulate their aggression or should I expect them to be more sensitive to her needs? I know what the answer is but it kind of bums me out.

I did this last year. Though I would make a thing out of it. Really I am mostly excited about the books I read.

1. what did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
Saw Mt. Rushmore, drove through Yellowstone Park. Wadded in a river with a Buffalo. Heard my daughter use the word “Shart”

2.did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I never remember my resolutions. I pretty much break them the second. This year’s resolution is just to have a quiet and peaceful year. To live our lives in the moment and remember to breath

did anyone close to you give birth? Actually yeah, my friend Allison had a baby boy, Oskar and my friend Marie is due any second

4. did anyone close to you die? Yes, our Sweet Georgia Brown

5. what countries did you visit? Nowhere as exotic as last year. We didn’t make it out of the states, but we did take a long road trip. I think rural western Montana might count as another country

what would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012? It has been a really good year. I have everything I want this year. It has been quiet and uneventful. Busy. Maybe more time to craft…

7. what date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? December 23, 2012 the night we had to say goodbye to Sweet Georgia Brown. She has been with us for almost 18 years.

8. what was your biggest achievement of the year? Remaining an almost sane parent to a toddler. NOT having peanut butter all over my cloths everyday. Only most days.

9. what was your biggest failure? I have to eat better and exercise more.
10. did you suffer illness or injury? Nope

11. what was the best thing you bought? Some really expensive heavy duty yarn. I used it to make a sweater. It is warm and well, rather itchy, but really really warm

12. whose behavior merited celebration? My mom, for simply being one of the most loving people I know. Being a grandmother is the job she was meant to do. I always had a great relationship with my grandparents, so its wonderful to see that Davy is having the same experience.

14. where did most of your money go? Feeding, clothing, entertaining Davy Beach and yarn. oh and fabric. yeah that too.

15. what did you get really, really, really excited about? My brother in law bought me a really fancy schmancy set of knitting needles for Christmas. I love them. Is that kinda lame?

16. what song(s) will always remind you of 2011? Anything by Pete Krebs and the Portland Playboys. A country western band we see bi-weekly with Davy.

17. compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder? happier

richer or poorer? My life is rich, happy and complete

18. what do you wish you’d done more of? Nothin. I did everything I really wanted to do, maybe traveled more

what do you wish you’d done less of? Worried less about parenting. Every stage of Davy’s life has had some many challenges and blessings. I need to remember that most of everything is just a “phase”

20. how will you be spending christmas? We spent Christmas at home, quiet and beautiful

21. where did you begin the year; and where will you end it? We began 2012 with our dear friends Ari and Anne and ended it with them. Hope we get to do it again next year and the year after and the year after

22. did you fall in love in 2011? You betcha

23. how many one-night stands? Oh pllleeeezzzzzeee

24. what was your favorite TV program? Boardwalk Empire, Justified, Sons of Anarchy, Downton Abby, Survivor, Miranda, The League

25. do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Hate? nope

26.what was the best book you read? Such great books this year. The Orphan Master’s son, A Thousand Lives, Jesus Land, The Devil of Nanking, Wild, Here Come’s Everybody, Yes Chef

27. what was your greatest musical discovery? Pete Krebs and the Portland Playboys. Love them

28. what did you want and get? Indeed

29. what did you want and not get? nope

30.what was your favorite film of this year? We saw a bunch but nothing really stands out. I saw a movie on HBO called Beginners with Ewan McGregor. I loved it.

31. what did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 41, we drove to a state park in Washington and spent the day by a river. It was cold but beautiful.

32. what one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? More time to the day. Longer naps
33.
how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011? I have been wearing a lot of my handknitted sweaters this year. I usually save them for special days, but that’s just dumb.

34. what kept you sane? Friends, family, knitting, quilting, good meals
which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? no time to fancy anyone

36. what political issue stirred you the most? The election. Gun control

37. who did you miss? My grandpa and grandma, Georgia

38. who was the best new person you met? I have met a couple new parents from Davy’s preschool. They are great and its the beginning of some new friendships. That makes me happy. It’s good to find parents who have similar values and spunky kids.

39.tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011: This too shall pass so enjoy every minute

40. quote a song lyric that sums up your year: no idea, um Call Me Maybe?

Christmas feels like a million years ago. I haven’t blogged since we put Georgia to sleep, so I am going to do a quick photo dump.

We had a big party

our neighbors found our tree topper hilariously terrifying

it was chaos

Three Jews built a gingerbread house

Christmas Eve Came (I have no idea why Davy wasn’t wearing a shirt)

She got a train set

We had dinner at the Rooneys and Andy turned GusGus into a babushka

I knit a hideous thing

Then our friends came in and we went wine tasting

I got tipsy

the end

Dear Sweet Georgia Brown

In a few hours our neighbor Meg is going to come over. She is a vet and she will give you a shot that will put you asleep and then another to stop your heart. And what a heart you have. You have been in our lives as long as Andy and I have been together. If you made it to spring you would have been 18 years old. You have had a good long life. It has been my honor to take care of you. I know technically you were Andy’s first wife. You came first but not by much. Thank you for letting me share Andy with you. I know you didn’t like it at first.

I will never forget the first time I saw you. Andy had made a video of his life before any of us had ever met in person. You will still a puppy. You were all skinny, wiry and full of puppy energy. You bonked the camera. Here is a secret. You helped me fall in love with Andy. Thank you.

I always felt guilty about making you leave your bucolic southern island and move to New York. I know you loved barking at those waves and running in the surf. I also know you loved chasing squirrels in Prospect Park, but it wasn’t the same.

I am sorry about bringing Bella into your life, it was my idea- although Andy approved it. I know you had your moments but really I think she added several more years your of life. We always used to joke that hate will make you live forever. Well, you lasted another 8 with Bella, so i was close.

You have been through all of our major life transitions and you handled it with your amazing grace and grit. I am glad you got to spend some time with our Davy. I know if you were a few years younger you two would have been wonderful friends.

I understand that when you bring an animal into your life you made a commitment to take care of them for the rest of their lives. It just sucks that we can’t live out our all days together. I read a book once where peoples souls lived outside of a human’s body in the form of an animal. You will always be Andy’s soul. I love you girl. Thanks for putting up with me for all of these years.

Davy has been going to Ginny’s house a few days a week for the last 8 months or so. Ginny and Davy have a special kind of relationship. I think Davy has learned a lot there. They kind of love each other and I feel special and fortunate that there is someone so fantastic in Davy’s life. Also, personally I like Ginny a lot. We always have a lot to talk about. Sometimes I think it kind of annoys Davy that I hang around to talk to Ginny. She has been saying “bye mom”, before I am ever ready to leave. It’s funny.

Daycare has been out for holiday break so Davy has spent two full long days at Ginnys. This has given me some extra time to craft and generally feel like an adult. Today my friend Ari and I went to go see Lincoln. A mid-week adult movie that Andy (who is in Atlanta visiting family) would HATE. Before Davy came along- I used to love going to see movies during the week. It kind of felt delicious and decidant to see a mid-week movie. Yummy.

Then I had a 2-hour conversation with my friend Courtney who I haven’t spoken to in weeks. Then I picked up Davy and we went to our other family, the Rooneys for dinner.
Davy is trying on her sense of humor and was making little toddler jokes all through dinner. It was really funny. After dinner Davy spent some time chasing around Abe and Beti. Beti showed Davy a snow globe that I think was kind of mesmerizing for Davy. When it was time to leave she thanked Lori for dinner (unprompted) and said it was good!!! She then gave everyone hugs. Big Bear Hugs.

As I was putting her to sleep tonight we just hugged each other for a hard long time. I missed her all day, but was so proud of the little person she was becoming. I told her how happy she made me and how I am so proud of her and happy that I got to be her mother. We sat in the rocker for a long time, rubbing each others back. A perfect moment. My beautiful funny daughter. Out of all of the people in the universes who could have been my kid, this is my kid, and I am so grateful.

So this weekend at the tree trimming I had an epiphany of sorts. Out of the 15 or so kids that were there, mine was the loudest. Davy at 25 months is full of loud expressions; Squeals of happiness, squeals of frustration, fits of toddler fueled rage, big wet tears. She is (like me) ever so in touch with her feeling. She really feels them.

Also like me, volume control tends to be kind of an issue. People always tell me that they love my big loud laugh when they meet me. Andy says its one of the things that made him fall for me. I have also had the opposite effect. It can really annoy people. I always say “love me, love my laugh” but my big loud voice has also gotten me into trouble at some points in my life. I suck at office duty. I remember a women I worked with who used to scowl at me when I laughed. For me, it always felt kind of like the ultimate rejection because its not something I can really help. It always kind of felt like someone hating me because I am short or something. Its just part of who I am.

I have also been told to be “quiet” most of my life and it kind of feels like shit. I remember getting into an argument with my father and he told me I was talking too loud. I was a teenager at the time. He wouldn’t listen to me unless I was quiet. So while I am a relatively well adjusted adult, who is as comfortable with myself as I can be, volume control brings a bit of emotional baggage to me.

So this brings me to my daughter. She is slowly becoming a mini me (except she can wear vertical stripes). She talks like me and picks up a lot of my vocal intonation. She says “yeah sure” all the time when she is being agreeable. It’s funny to hear. The flip side is that she is picking up stuff from me that I kind don’t like about myself. I have brought attention to it, both to Andy and to others. I am aware of it, but it still feels like a total kick in my heart when i or others have to “shush” her. I mean she will scream if she doesn’t get what she wants and its really ear piercing, a small “shush” isn’t an inappropriate response, it’s just one that takes me back because I want to shield her from this little bit of pain.

This is probably the first time in my grand 18 months of parenting where I am brushing up against my own insecurities about myself coming through my daughter. It is harder to be a clear minded parent when you are battling your own demons. I know that this too shall pass, but I wonder what is next?

So ’tis the season for handmade gifts. I have been crazy busy crafting away. So much so it has been stressing me out a little. Do i finished the fingerless gloves from 6 weeks ago? Do I knit a giant reindeer head? Do I finish Courtney’s quilt (that only needed about 2 hours of work on). How about some handmade ornaments? What about Andy’s Jam label? SO MUCH to DO. I feel like a portland stereo type!

So hear it is- everything so far!

I had made a hat for Davy that would be big enough for all of her puffs and bantu knots. It wasn’t big enough so I made her a hipster slouchy.

Did some quick ornaments that were toddler friendly for our tree:

(these were pretty time consuming)

Strung some garland (I have had these felt balls for years)

Davy got into the action and decorated some snowflakes

and herself

I am working on my reindeer head-He is huge and not felting as well as I would have hoped because I way over stuffed him. Also it looks creepy because he doesn’t have eyes or horns, it is WAY more knitting than i bargained for, but he will be cute when he is done. His name is MakeOne. I named him that because we have one at the store and I started a facebook contest about the name. I picked the name Make One because it was cute and not as obvious as some. My coworker randomly decided her name should be Purl and put a string of purls on him and changed his gender. So I made my own make one because I am a small minded person who obviously doesn’t have enough to think about. The end of the story…..

and because we appreantly are portland stereotypes. Andy has been making is own jam for christmas gifts. They are great and delicious. I did the labels and cut out a million of those circles. Today Davy wanted jam on her toast. I have her marmalade and she said “Noooooo JAM mommy”. I guess she would know the difference.

Finally we had some people over to help decorate our tree. These are a few of my favorite pictures.
These are some of my favorite people (please note the green marker on Lori’s forehead)

After years of religious ambivalence. I am proud of my Christmas Jew status.

Andy bought me a special sweater. I am showing it off with Beti. I think Beti thinks I am a little crazy

How in the world to I manage all of this?
My house is a freaking mess. We have a giant knit reindeer head, but really no spoons. I am THAt fun to live with folks

Well today is thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful for my wonderful family, our amazing friends. Really, this is one of the few times in my life where i can say I am truly content and that is a nice feeling.

A quiet afternoon walk with Miz Sassafrass-yes-I-am-two Davy Beach. I had to get over my own personal terror of earth worms to show Davy haw harmless they are. I don’t want Davy to inherit my neurotic squeamishness. I don’t think she bought it for a second

Some morning yoghurt with a post-bantu knot faux hawk and much much yogurt.

Tanta Ari brought Otombo all the way from South Africa to Davy. She loves her! Although apparently Otombo was quite nervous about meeting Davy, but relieved that there were no lions living in the house.

Hide and seek (shhhhh hiding)

My mom deserves her own blog post. Watching her and Davy play is pure magic.

video chatting with Andy’s family in Atlanta

My husband is truly the worlds best cook. He is amazing and made the whole meal. It’s how he shows love

Post dinner- pre-pie swing with the tantas

I have enjoyed this 30 days of thanks. It is my nature to complain until the cows come home. It’s been nice for me to constantly have to think about the little nice moments. The year between thanksgiving 2011 and 2012 has really truly been one of the happiest years of my life. I love our little family. I love you Andy Beach. I love you Davy Beach. I am proud and happy to be your wife and mother.