My grandparents used to live near the Coney Island Amusement Park in Brooklyn. We used to go there all the time. When I was a kid my dad took me for a ride on the Cyclone. The Cyclone is an ancient wooden roller coaster. It’s not the biggest or fastest roller coaster but it might be the most frightening. You REALLY think you are going to loose your life on the Coney Island Cyclone. It rattles you around and gives you whiplash and there ain’t no way that little bar thingy is going to hold you in your seat. My dad loves to tell the story of the first time I rode it. We were slowly creeping up the big hill and the kid version of me said, “Dad, are we gonna die.” He laughed and said nope. My glass was half full of poison even then.
People use the roller coaster metaphor when talking about adoption all the time. It has so many ups (amazing and wonderful, make you dance kind of ups) and far too many lows. Things are changing in Ethiopia- policies, care centers, medical tests – it’s all in a state of flux. We are so close to that referral and found out today that it may be another 4 months. To make matters worse people going into the program are going to have to wait a year. This is really hard news. We have been so patient and are so sad and depressed that again this elusive adoption seems so close yet so far away. I had several beers and a few tears. Two days ago I blogged about how happy and optimistic I was feeling and today I feel like crap for even getting my hopes up. Hubris I say, hubris.
So this is what I need to do to keep myself up and not get too down:
- Reach out to all my friends and support system. Have lots of lunches, beers and coffees. Cry when I need to- but make sure I laugh more than I cry (easy for me). I’m not cheap with my laughs.
- Take care of myself. I need to find a way to make this time go faster. I feel like I have been in a form of suspended animation waiting for this thing to happen. Right now if things go as planned (and they never go as planned) we are looking at bringing our kid home in September or October. I need way more structure in my life between now and then. I need to exercise more and get a freaking job.
- Take a step back- tonight was Ethiopian Christmas and there was a big celebration in our community. I didn’t go. Right now looking at happy, fully formed families is a little painful. It won’t always be. I am feeling petty and envious so I need to stay away from those things. I want what they have- I want to be a happy fully formed family. I want a beautiful and sparkly son or daughter. Jealousy is a really old and primal feeling- so by admitting it- I hope it goes away. Or maybe it’s just better to admit it, I don’t know.
- Travel. We have been so cautious about money and time, but frankly I need to get the heck out of this town. The rain isn’t helping. Maybe New York, maybe North Carolina, maybe Mexico, maybe Hawaii. Something. Need to talk to the husband.
- Enjoy the quite time. My mom is moving into her own apartment in a week. She has been living with us for the last 18 months. Andy and I have big plans of sitting around in our underwear and watching violent TV (probably too strong of a visual image- sorry).
- Create, create, create- I knit, quilt, and spin my own yarn. It’s very very helpful. The more streseds I get the more I need to rely on these things that make me insanely happy. It feels good to make something that has a tangible beginning, middle and end. And something that turns our beautiful.
So yeah, this week has sucked ass. I am trying, TRYING to be positive and take care of myself. I really don’t want this roller coaster to kill me (or even hurt me). I just want it to keep moving along (oy vey what a great use of a cheesy metaphor).