Next week would have been my grandfather’s 100^th Birthday.  He passed away a few years ago and I think about him everyday. He was a total force in my life.  He was a Holocaust survivor and the last one of a family of 8 or 9kids.  I think this is why we were so close- my dad, brother and I really represented  a new beginning for him and also- really- all he had left.  Also- this is a big part of why my Jewish identity means so much to me.

I am pretty lucky, ‘cause I have had a lot of grandparents in my life. There have been multiple divorces and remarriages in my family so at some point in my life I had 4 grandmothers and 2 grandfathers.  As a kid I never thought there was any difference between my grandparents and my (technically) step grandparents.  All I knew is that I was pretty lucky to have so many people who loved me. And I got LOTS of birthday gifts (hey I was a kid!)  Our son or daughter will be the first kid my brother and I have. My dad and step mom have been married for over 20 years and I do have 2 stepsiblings who both have two kids each. My dad is blessed with 4 little kids who call him Papa Jack. And our kid will have 4 little cousins (on my dad’s side) to teach him/her how to play without messing up Dad and Adela’s house too much! I once told my stepmom that the upshot of all of this divorce was that many years later our kids have more grandparents to love on them! I think she liked that (‘cause I have heard her repeat it a few times.)

My mom lives with me and Andy. She moved out to Portland after living in Michigan for 63 years. I think she gets major props for her braveness.  She was planning on coming here, getting a job, and finding a place. Well the economy in Oregon is only slightly better than the one in Detroit- so far she hasn’t found a job yet and she is still living with us. She recently requested some books for grandparents of adopted kids (I am going to list them below). There is NOTHING I love more than a good research assignment. It made me feel good (looking gleeful) that we owned two of the three books that were recommended! But I digress- a few days after she had asked for suggestions- I thanked her for being so interested and supportive. She said “well this is going to be our life sweetheart and we all need to think about it and it will be your life well after I am gone”. Then I got a little weepy and we hugged.  It was less morose sounding at the time.

My dad has been a little more reticent about this process. We as (Weismans) really hate change and I think my dad was a little surprised that we were embracing and committing to adoption (particularly) since we were less interested in other options (e.g. pursuing fertility treatments).  I have to say that he is coming around TONS and is EXCITED about the arrival of our little one.  I just need to give him the time and space to process his emotions, mourn the loss of his direct bloodline (its all up to you bro) and keep him involved in the process as much as he wants to be involved.  I also know that the second he meets his future grandkid- he will be a total mush and that kid will have him wrapped around his/her little pinky in seconds.  I also really want to mention that my stepmom has been wonderfully supportive and has helped by my dad and I stay connected through this process. I got goose bumps when she showed me the bag of baby toys she brought from Michigan to Las Vegas (where they live for the winter).  

When we told Andy’s parents we were adopting there reaction was “about freaking time- we have just been waiting for it”.  Andy parents (like Andy) are the most unflappable people on the planet.  They had a feeling that we were going to adopt and really have been just waiting for us to announce it. Andy’s brother has 3 kids so our kid gets even more cousins! The oldest being 14 (yes, you are that old Michael).

So our kid will come to our family with 5 wonderful and very different grandparents (and a GREAT GRANDMOTHER to boot), 8 aunts and uncles and 7 first cousins (holy crap)!  Lucky kid I say, lucky kid!!!

I started this post talking about my grandfather. I made a deal with my dear husband that our kid can be a Beach (his last name) if we get to use some derivative of my grandfathers name in his/her first name.  It’s Jewish tradition to name your child after a deceased relative.  Our kid will also come with his/her Ethiopian name as well. My grandfather’s name was David Weisman. His Hebrew name was Dovid Ben Shmuel (translates to David son of Samuel).  This kid is going to be raise in a house that will honor his/her Ethiopian culture and my Jewish culture and Andy’s  non-religious but Southern culture. We aren’t’ religious people- but do love our little corners of the world- and have made it work (really really well for the 10 years of our marriage).

 Right now the plan is (if boy) Dovid (insert Ethiopian name) Beach. Or if it’s a girl Davy  or Dov (insert Ethiopian name) Beach. I know if it’s a boy he will spend the rest of his life saying “It’s DOVid with an O, not DAVid with an A”.  And Dov Beach sounds like a short descriptive sentence- but hey- it’s the price our kid will pay for having hippy parents. Coulda been MUCH worse…..

A Few Books:

The first one – I have mentioned before is called There is No Me Without You- by Melissa Faye Green. It is about Ethiopian AIDS orphans and was an amazingly moving book and provides a good picture of Ethiopian culture.

he first one is The second one is The Complete Book of International Adoption by Dawn Davenport- which was actually the first book I picked up when we started the process. She also has a great nonprofit organization that helps people with issues around infertility and adoption. It’s called Creating a Family.She is an amazing resource. I highly recommend you check it out. Dawn and I are BFFS (well not really- she is just incredibly accessible on Facebook and Twitter). She also recommended a book called Adoption is a Family Affair– which I picked up on Amazon,  If it’s any good (it got mixed reviews)- EVERYONE is going to get a copy! Hurrah

Finally- the May 10^th issues of the New Yorker had a really large article on adopting Haitian earthquake orphans.  The writer and his wife were adopting a baby from Haiti when the earthquake happened and they were using the same adoption agency as us-Holt International.  The article talks a lot about the process and reasons behind international adoption. I thought it was GREAT.

Our first interview is scheduled for May 18th and our second is on June 6!  The June one is when the social worker actually comes to our house!  We are so excited!  I have heard really wonderful things about our social worker so I am psyched to work with her. So far she has been really great about answering my many many questions! I can tell she is going to have a calming affect. After the interviews Andy and I have to take a class called Parents in Process. We can actually take it in May but we are both traveling and I am working- so it’s pushed off until June.  I am excited and happy to take parenting classes. I think it’  to bad that all parents don’t have the opportunity to take parenting classes (if they want to).  

 Also- we don’t have to babyproof our house. I was totally wrong. Just uh, clean it up a little and show that we have room for our future baby! Our house is a three bedroom but one of the bedrooms we use as an kind of ruckus/ guest room. It is attached to the door that goes to the back yard- s0 it gets a lot of traffic.  Right now the we have a general plan that the baby is going  to sleep upstairs with us and then we will use the third bedroom as a play room. This is all contingent on if mom finds work and a place over the next year (which she should by then). If she does- the baby can just have her room.

We are now starting to get organized for our Dossier. This is the list of the legal stuff that has to go to the Ethiopian embassy. The main part of the dossier is the report from our home study. A lot of it is super redundant. We need to get another letter from our doctor saying that we are healthy enough to be parents. We have to get two more letters of recommendation – these ones signed and notarized. We also need bank records, marriage licenses, birth certificates and another letter from Andy’s employer stating that we have health insurance etc.

I have already started working on it. I am temping this week. It’s the first time I have been in an office in a while- it feels really weird. My job is really to babysit the front door- which is fine and kind of funny. Very very dull- and I kind of forgot how much I hate working in an office. We have to line up to punch our card out exactly at 4:30 other wise we will be docked pay if we leave early. The clock is 2 minutes slow so we have to stand there and wait. Truly- it makes me feel a little bit like a prisoner.  I AM excited about putting more money in the baby fund though- and it’s kind of nice to get out of the house for a while. Andy they are decent enough to let me read knit and update my blog while I am here. So I got to really stop my whining. The world is a very different place when you don’t sleep until 8 a.m. For example, did you know New Seasons (our fancy grocery chain) doesn’t open until 8 a.m? I found out when I was banging on their door begging for coffee and a bagel- calling them lazy gits under my breath!

Okay enough of this- since I only have 6 more hours to kill for this temp job- I am going to update my Raverly site and my knitting blog. Thank you generic company in Beaverton for giving me this opportunity…..

We sent in our security papers with our home study documents on March 30th. They say its suppose to take 6-8 weeks. We were a little worried because we have moved so much over the last five year (3 states and 5 counties) that it was going to take longer. Yesterday we got letters from Holt saying that we have passed (we weren’t worried- just happy it only took a few weeks).  Awesome news. Now we have to take Holt’s parenting classes. Andy is traveling during one date of the May class- so we won’t be finished until June. However, this is the official kick off to our home study process. Woot Woot. Bring it on!

So Mom and I play Mah Jong at a café in downtown Portland. It’s kind of on the edge of a fringy area and the clientele run the gamut from homeless folks, to hipsters, to young families. Frankly it’s not my most favorite place in the city. Mostly because it’s a bit loud and the bathrooms really do smell like crack cocaine (years of living in New York have helped me identify this smell. Trust me I know what crack smells like). We play with a very weird crowd. Some of these have become my favorite people in Portland. Some haven’t.  I was playing Maj with someone who is in the “not my favorite category” when a woman walked in with a giant head of dreadlocks. She was a kind of grungy looking white chick.

This is where I digress and talk ad nauseum about how much I LOVE LOVE LOVE locks. I am a white girl with lock-envy. Everybody who knows me knows this. I think they are beautiful! Beautiful. I would have dreads but frankly they wouldn’t work on me. My hair is crazy super fine and I might be able to muster up one single lock- and that would not work. Also you know how parents have these little fantasies about what their kid will look like and how they will dress? They think “I can’t wait to dress them up in little dresses” or to wear their favorite sport teams t-shirt. Mine mostly involves little kids with locks (of coarse at an appropriate age).

SO back to the story- this woman (again not my fav) started bitching about this woman’s locks. She was kind of going on and on and on about how she really hates them on everybody (not just the grungy girls). Her rant was making the table increasingly uncomfortable, because it had a bit of a racist bent. That’s when I thought to myself “how the hell do I make this woman Shut the Hell UP?!?” Also, she has no idea that we are in the process of adopting a kid from Ethiopia. I tell everybody these days-but I don’t think she knows. If she did she may have been more sensitive (or not).

For those of you who don’t know me- I am loud and bossy (but also pretty nice). This is how I reacted—I basically talked over her and said “oh my gawd you are SO wrong. I LOVE locks. I talked at length about how much I love them, bla bla bla. (with a giant smile on my face). then finally said I CAN”T WAIT to lock my kids hair…when they come home from Ethiopia!  The woman looked at me- seriously mouth agape. HA HA I shut her up in the nicest possible way.

It was a good test for me. I know I am going to have a ton of these kinds of conversations. My goal isn’t to show anger, because I would hate for my future child to misinterpret that, as he/she is the cause of that anger. My goal is to deal with it using humor and a smile.

Portland really is one of the least ethnically diverse places I have lived (other than maybe the town I grew up in and left as soon as I could). Consequently people can assume that it’s “okay” to make these little comments. It’s a nudge nudge wink wink kind of thing. I have always bristled against it. Portland’s lack of diversity really drives me fucking crazy. That and its totally overzealous arcane recycling rules are the two things that have made me not feel a little uneasy here. Really it’s the lack of diversity. The arcane recycling rules are just annoying.

My reaction to this woman’s comments would have been the same whether or not we were adopting from Ethiopia. Which to me, made me feel really good. I didn’t over react or under react. I was just a good way for me to test my reaction to these things. I would love to hear from other transracial families on how they react to ignorant comments from strangers!

Today I am going to mail off the documents for our home study. We have had them a very long time and it feels really good to get them out.

They include:

a) background checks for every place we have lived in for the last 5 years (a hem that’s 3 different states and about 5 different houses/apartments)

b) 15 page-questionnaire about how we are going to raise our child (lots of technology maybe a pet robot). It had really great questions on it like why we were adopting, what religion we are gonna rase our kid, our relationships with our family etc.  They asked about how our lives were gonna change after the kid was here. Andy’s answer was the best “less HBO more Nickelodeon”. Yup. That sums it up.

c) Medical clearance from our doctor- which included a HIV, Hepatitis, TB and Syphilis test. I told Andy that I hoped to finally pass these tests and he reminded me that these are the ones that I hope to actually fail. Thankfully we flunked with flying colors- we don’t have any communicable diseases.

d)  Finanicial disclosure form

e) Job verification (for those of us who have one)

f) and other random docs (directions to our house, copies of our marriage license and birth certificates etc.).

We also had to get 4 letters of recommendations from our friends. Our friend Marie’s daughter decided to put in her own letter to the adoption agency which totally made me cry my eyes out because it was so sweet. After all that is in (the longest part is the background checks and I think ours are especially complicated). We get assigned a social worker and begin our parenting classes. We meet with the social worker once each individually and then she comes over and makes sure our house is kid safe. Which it should be by then. Fortunately we live in a house that once had kids living in it- so we have some stuff already in place. It feels weird to kid proof a house when the idea of having a kid can still be a year off. I am happy to do it- but it does seem sort of strange. I would feel more comfortable kid proofing closer to when the kid comes home. It feels like bad mojimbo to get it done so early in the process. But I digress… nothing like sending out a giant package of paperwork to make you feel like you accomplished a lot during the day!

I worked at Metropolitan Jewish Health System for almost 7 years. When I started  there I filled out  the paperwork to be vested for their IRA. I left MJHS about 3 years ago- and vaguely forgot about the IRA. This weekend my WONDERFUL, AMAZING husband was doing some Spring Cleaning and found a document about our IRA. We called and found out there was a significant amount of money (more than half to cover the adoption)!!!!! Holy CRAP- How often do you find over $10k laying around!!!!!!!???!!!??

I called our accountant and she basically confirmed that between the taxes and penalties we would have to pay to cash in our IRA and the tax credits we would receive for adopting would be a wash! So we might as well use the money now!

This would pay for our home study and the major adoption fee we would need to pay once we would be placed with a kid! Holy CRAP!!!!! Today is a VERY VERY GOOD Day!!! I have been jittery and so excited. I called our agency and they are going to send us the packet so we can start our home study.

Also- Andy starts his new job in a week. He is really one in  a million- got an ACTUALLY BETTER job then the one that we moved out here for- higher position, better money and he will be working from home. I take it back- 2010- maybe you won’t be so sucky after all!

Also- Eli S. Feldman is the President and CEO of MJHS. We really aren’t going to name our kid after him- but I do feel grateful that after all these years- I got a little gift from my old job!

Well, so far the year has been super interesting. On January 3^rd Andy lost his job. Yup the job that we picked up our lives and moved across the country to take. Yup, that one. It has taken me a while to write about this because I have had to let my anger subside. All we are aloud to say is “it wasn’t a good fit”. So that’s all I am going to say about that—you can infer the rest.

Obviously this has affected our adoption plans. When this happened our immediate reaction was to move back to North Carolina. It’s cheaper to live, we have a house, close close friends (holla) and a community that could offer support. While we were trying to figure all of this out. I received a phone call from Holt (our adoption agency) because they haven’t heard from us in a while. Eventhough all I have been doing was thinking about this adoption and we have been saving money for the home study- I never thought to communicate this to our adoption agency. I was pretty sure they could read my mind. Guess not.  I spoke maybe the nicest woman on the planet at that moment. This was the WEEK Andy lost his job- and everything was so fresh and raw.  The woman kindly suggested that we put our adoption on official “hold” until we figure things out. They could still be our adoption agency (if we moved back to NC)- but obviously we need to get things sorted and figure out our next steps.

This doesn’t sound like much now- I mean the word “hold” is so temporary. By the time I hung up with her I was a crying mess. She reminded me that this wasn’t permanent and we could pick up the process when we move back to NC. She also said that she has been (sadly) having this conversation a lot.  Adoption takes a long time- and people’s lives can change a lot in a year or two. She also has a lot of clients who have lost their jobs during the process. There are lots of babies in the world who need good homes and ours is just out in the universe waiting for us.

Now I have never been pregnant or lost a baby. I have witnessed several friends who have gone through this devastating process. This was as close as I have ever come. I was so excited and committed to this process and SO looking forward to having a baby by Christmas that this blow was just absolutely heartbreaking. I was in a pretty deep depression for several weeks. I couldn’t figure out why we were brought here and what kind of lesson we all needed to learn to get through this. I have to say I relied on my husband (who gracefully let me be angry at him), my mom (hugs) and the love and support of my good friends. The best and kindest words (out of so many) came from a dear friend who said that my misery as a testament to how much and ready I am to be a mom. That helped a lot.

So hear we are now- about 5 weeks after Andy lost his job. He has had several good interviews and will hopefully have an offer in the next few weeks. Nobody has a job in Oregon (the unemployment level here is very high) and the fact that he could pull himself up and find a job so quickly just shows how fierce and wicked smart my husband is. I am looking for a job too. I have also started spinning yarn again. I had kind of a slump when I moved here but thanks to a well-needed kick in the ass from a client and dear friend- I am back on track making things and feeling productive. I am looking for a job too- to help defray the cost of the adoption and to move on with my career. It looks like we are staying in Oregon. I am sad we aren’t going back to NC- but I think somehow we will end up there again. It also means that after we catch up on some bills- we can start the process again. So ultimately we didn’t loose too much time.

I keep saying this—adoption is a very random process. It’s as some ways just as random as having a biological child. We get put on list- a baby comes up and we get that baby (I am simplifying a lengthy process). We don’t know if it’s going to be a boy or girl, a newborn, or a toddler. We don’t know what he/she will look like, what their laugh will sound like or anything. However this I know—when we bring home our smart and funny kid we will be so thankful that all this shit happened to us to bring us together. That is what is helping us through this.  Peace out.

Andy and I got to visit the police station downtown and get fingerprinted. This is to for our background check as part of the adoption process.  We had more fun than we should have. First of all we got to go to the Forensic Evidence laboratories. We met a real crime scene evidence person. She did confirm that:

a)     Her job is not really as exciting as it seems on tv

b)    They don’t have a super computer that does everything for them

c)     She never gets to interview suspects

d)    And her job REALLY isn’t as interesting as it is on tv

She was amazingly good-natured about us taking a million photographs. I figured we aren’t going to have ultra-sound photos or anything like that so we should document the process! It was really fun. Andy was typically good natured about all the photos. He knows who I am. We kept joking that somewhere in Ethiopia a baby (in the tummy of his/her birth mom) is so SO embarrassed and he/she doesn’t even know why!

I got news for you kid- get used to it! Your future parents are goofballs. We love you and haven’t even met you yet!

Hey- I have been listening to this awesome podcast from Dawn Davenport. She wrote the The Complete Book on International Adoption which was the first book we turned too when we started considering all of this stuff. She has an great podcast for both adoptive families and folks struggling with infertility. I really suggest you check it out and pass it along to anyone who is interested-or has a friend or family who are going through this stuff! You can also find her in itunes- just search for Dawn Davenport and it will come up.

So I have hit the library hard and heavy. I love love LOVE the library so much. It’s like going shopping for free. Apparently Multnomah County has a nationally renowned library system. My favorite library ever is the main branch of the Durham County Library, not because my friend Naomi a the librarian there (holla), but because there was something truly community feeling about it. It has an AMAZING knitting book section (holla Nao) and basically every book I have ever wanted to read. It’s a totally special place in my heart for me. BUT I digress…..

So I have been reading up on all this transracial adoption stuff and I want to give a shout out to a few of the books that have been really helpful. The first book I checked out is entitled Weaving a Family, Untangling Race and Adoption by Barbara Katz Rothman. I really like her take on things and am going to actually BUY it so I can read it more throughly. Also, In Their Own Words Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories by Rhonda Roorda, which interviews adult adoptees of who have been adopted transracially. Really good reading. I found out she has one where she also interviewed adoptive parents and another where she interviewed adoptive siblings- I am gonna check those out too.  And finally my friend Bibi bought me a book called There is No Me Without You by Melissa Fay Green. About a woman who started an orphanage for kids whose parents have HIV and AIDs. I am on page 23 and have already cried like three times. Thanks Beebs for the book. I also cried when it came in the mail!

Finally, I took out a book from the Cultures of the World Series on Ethiopia. It only looks like it was written and designed in 1974 but has in-fact, pretty up-to-date info. I think it was updated in 2005 because they talk about President Bush. Since I am really starting from the ground up on this stuff- the book is really informative. It has great info on the history, geography and culture of the place. I am learning tons from it!

Ethiopia fun fact: Did you know that Ethiopia is 3 times the size of California? I am full of them… Really I am.