Right now its 2:00 a.m. in Durame Ethiopia. We weather is warm there, according to the internet its- 82 degrees outside. Somewhere a million miles our kid is asleep waiting for us. Our kid. I will say it again the son or daughter of Lisa Weisman and Andy Beach. We are so happy and thrilled that things are moving in Ethiopia again. This week 7 referrals went out- one do my dear friend and sister in adoption. I called the agency today and we are officially number 2 on the wait list. It also means that our kid, OUR kid is already in the care center. He or she is going through medical tests and all the paperwork that will bring us together. I am just waiting for the phone to ring. Any day now any day…..

Last year Andy was at a conference and they gave away these hilarious flying and screaming monkeys. You fling them and they make this crazy screeching sound. My mother HATES that sound. She gets a hilarious visceral reaction from it. Of our dogs Georgia and Bella, of coarse love it. So every few months it gets taken out of the closet just to annoy my mother.

Last week my mom came over for dinner and the dogs found the monkey. While we were having a purely civilized dinner the monkey kept screeching in the background. Thus making my mother jump out of her seat. So when she left Andy put it in her bag. He was so proud of himself and couldn’t WAIT until she found it. We were having a good chuckle about it and he said “I can’t wait to be a father so I can mess with my kid that way.”  I can’t either.

Here is a video of the flying monkey. I got it off of youtube. That dude is NOT my husband!

Also- Andy wanted me to post this video because it makes us laugh and laugh. The pig totally reminds us of Bella

I am not remotely a spiritual or religious person. I consider myself a cultural Jew, but really don’t abide by any of the rules. I am obstinate by nature. If I had listened to the rules I would have never married Andy (who’s not Jewish) or tasted tasty tasty pork. Two of my favorite things, (Fortunately in that order)

I do think this whole process is making me ever-so-slightly rethink my belief in God. I keep saying this- and truly on days when all seems lost–that our kid is out there waiting for us and its meant to be our kid. Andy and I are so unique and such a funny brand of whack jobs that it is going to take a special special kid to fit into our threesome. If I am going to hang on to this belief I can’t take a little Devine intervention from above out of the picture.

I could say that government bureaucracy is bringing us to our kid and even if that kid doesn’t really fit into our family- we will make it work and believe that it works. I mean we could end up with a vegan or a shy kid or something. Oy Vey a VEGAN.

I don’t really believe this though. I have seen so many families bring home a kid that is the perfect fit for them. It might be nurture over nature. I don’t know (or frankly care). This is an amazing process. To watch these families become whole is- dare i say it? A miracle.

Oh please- I can see my old friends rolling their eyes (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE ERICA WIDES). I am not going to join a synagogue and start dovining every day. Hells no! I am just saying that my beliefs are being tested by this process, and maybe the results are good enough.

It hasn’t been that long since we heard from our agency and we are still waiting for any news or updates. I am still feeling sad, but a little better. I was explaining to my friend the other day that I was worried that maybe we weren’t meant to be parents. This path has been SO hard. Biology has failed us, and this adoption seems to allude us. My friend is also an adoptive mother and has been through this roller coaster once and is in the process of going through it again. She said she didn’t want to tell me it would be “fine” because she wanted to acknowledge that I don’t feel like it will be “fine”. It’s my feeling we are talking about- not necessarily the reality of our situation. I have never been pregnant or lost a biological baby, but that’s what it felt like when we had to put our adoption on hold a year ago and to a lesser degree this time. It’s only better because we are so much farther along in the process. Maybe just the month of January is really sucky for the Weisman-Beach family.

Logically, statistically I know we will get our kid in the end. But last week it was starting to feel like it isn’t in the cards. For the record, I am doing better. I am keeping busy. My mood has improved. I am so glad that January is half way over. I say let time fly.

When I told Andy that I was starting to worry that maybe parenthood wasn’t going to happen for us. He reminded me that nothing in our lives has been “easy”. We are major risk takers when it comes to life. We have moved a lot. We have had emotional and financial ups and downs. Our life has never been a straight line to happiness and security. I am so happy and grateful for that. Our life is interesting and unexpected. Consequently, when things are quiet and uneventful- Andy and I are really appreciative of that. We LOVE our lazy Sundays. We LOVE random trips to Target and Ikea. Andy likes to remind me of that when I get really whingy. So when I was complaining about the adoption he just said “Lisa, this is just one of those times, think about how much you will love and appreciate that kid when they come”. He’s a good man Andy Beach.

I met my friend Marie years and years ago. We met at work and were both miserable. It was a large company and we were kind of drawn to each other. One day she sent me an email that basically said “hey, your funny and cool do you know any guys that you could fix me up with.”  My friend Marie has some guts. I did, in-fact fix her up with a friend of mine who turned out to be the worst boyfriend ever. EVER. At least we got a lifelong friendship out of the deal.

Marie is one of those people that you can call up in a pinch and she will make you laugh and cry simultaneously that you hick-cup for air. She will let me know when I am being neurotic or a bitch and I love her for it. There are very few people who can be so honest with you that they can say anything. I feel amazingly lucky that she is in my life. Yeah, we have each others backs.

When we both lived Brooklyn we were neighbors and hung out all the time. Marie (at the time) was a single mom to then 6 year old Madeline (who Andy calls Madge) and both of them became everyday fixtures in our lives. Young Madge was one of the funniest, silliest, smartest kids I have ever had the pleasure to know.  I have such a strong visual image of Madge cuddled up on Andy’s lap watching Bridge Over the River Kwai. Cool parents make really cool kids.

About 8 years ago they moved to Texas. Life has progressed for them amazingly well. Marie is remarried to a man who adores (and puts up) with her. Madge has blossomed into someone i can only hope our future kid can aspire to be. She is beautiful, talented, confident and worldly.

So when I think about the kind of parent I want to be, I think of Marie and Madge. When we started this process we asked Marie write one of our letter of recommendation.  Madge wrote one too. It is on our fridge and we show it to literally EVERYONE who enters our house.

Our adoption delays have hit me kind of hard and I have been feeling kinda blue.  On top of it today Andy and I got some really really terrible news about some dear friends of ours. I want to protect their privacy but lets just say it makes what we are going through look like nerf ball practice. After I got off the phone with Andy i didn’t know who to call until I thought of Marie. After we both cried Marie said the most amazing thing to me. She said “Lisa, nothing in the world makes you feel more vulnerable then becoming a parent.”

I love my friend Marie with all of my heart.

My grandparents used to live near the Coney Island Amusement Park in Brooklyn. We used to go there all the time. When I was a kid my dad took me for a ride on the Cyclone. The Cyclone is an ancient wooden roller coaster. It’s not the biggest or fastest roller coaster but it might be the most frightening. You REALLY think you are going to loose your life on the Coney Island Cyclone. It rattles you around and gives you whiplash and there ain’t no way that little bar thingy is going to hold you in your seat. My dad loves to tell the story of the first time I rode it. We were slowly creeping up the big hill and the kid version of me said, “Dad, are we gonna die.” He laughed and said nope. My glass was half full of poison even then.

People use the roller coaster metaphor when talking about adoption all the time. It has so many ups (amazing and wonderful, make you dance kind of ups) and far too many lows. Things are changing in Ethiopia- policies, care centers, medical tests – it’s all in a state of flux. We are so close to that referral and found out today that it may be another 4 months. To make matters worse people going into the program are going to have to wait a year. This is really hard news. We have been so patient and are so sad and depressed that again this elusive adoption seems so close yet so far away. I had several beers and a few tears. Two days ago I blogged about how happy and optimistic I was feeling and today I feel like crap for even getting my hopes up. Hubris I say, hubris.

So this is what I need to do to keep myself up and not get too down:

1. Reach out to all my friends and support system. Have lots of lunches, beers and coffees. Cry when I need to- but make sure I laugh more than I cry (easy for me). I’m not cheap with my laughs.

1. Take care of myself. I need to find a way to make this time go faster. I feel like I have been in a form of suspended animation waiting for this thing to happen. Right now if things go as planned (and they never go as planned) we are looking at bringing our kid home in September or October.  I need way more structure in my life between now and then. I need to exercise more and get a freaking job.

1. Take a step back- tonight was Ethiopian Christmas and there was a big celebration in our community. I didn’t go. Right now looking at happy, fully formed families is a little painful. It won’t always be. I am feeling petty and envious so I need to stay away from those things. I want what they have- I want to be a happy fully formed family. I want a beautiful and sparkly son or daughter. Jealousy is a really old and primal feeling- so by admitting it- I hope it goes away. Or maybe it’s just better to admit it, I don’t know.

1. Travel. We have been so cautious about money and time, but frankly I need to get the heck out of this town. The rain isn’t helping. Maybe New York, maybe North Carolina, maybe Mexico, maybe Hawaii. Something. Need to talk to the husband.

1. Enjoy the quite time. My mom is moving into her own apartment in a week. She has been living with us for the last 18 months. Andy and I have big plans of sitting around in our underwear and watching violent TV (probably too strong of a visual image- sorry).

1. Create, create, create- I knit, quilt, and spin my own yarn. It’s very very helpful. The more streseds I get the more I need to rely on these things that make me insanely happy. It feels good to make something that has a tangible beginning, middle and end. And something that turns our beautiful.

So yeah, this week has sucked ass. I am trying, TRYING to be positive and take care of myself. I really don’t want this roller coaster to kill me (or even hurt me). I just want it to keep moving along (oy vey what a great use of a cheesy metaphor).

Well considering the fact that the beginning of 2010 blew chunks the last part of this year really rocked. A year ago Andy lost his job and it was one of the darkest times in our adult lives. I hadn’t wanted to move to Portland. The job that moved us here turned out to be a total clusterfuck. I was full of anger and resentment and uncertainty about our ability to continue on with the adoption. I read back on that blog post and I was so amazingly sad. There was no doubt that we would get through it- but at the time we really didn’t know what to do.

That was a complete year ago. It’s amazing how much life gets lived in a whole year. They say time heals- it really does. So 2010 started out sucking ass but ended really lovely and quietly. Ironically, 2010 may have been one of our best years so far. Mom always says life is peaks and valleys- so i want to talk about some of those peaks.

The Adoption- is amazingly on track. Yes we are still WAITING for that referral (currently number eight) but thankfully things are moving along in Ethiopia and our kid is coming soon. I keep thinking ‘what is another month or so of waiting when we have the rest of our lives to celebrate with our kid.’ Also waiting never seems a long when you are looking back on it. It’s only hard when you are in it. I am feeling good and feel like it coming.

The People- We have found an amazing and wonderful community here. Portland is slowly becoming a place that I feel very connected to and I really need to thank the people in my life for helping me with this. What would we ever do without our new friends? Who could I talk about the adoption and my fears at becoming a good mom without Laura and Chuck? Who can call on a moments notice and go fabric shopping without Gillian? Who would show us Portland and make us belly laugh without Ari and Anne?Who will feed me beer and PJ Tips on a major holiday day without The Rooneys? I want to thank all of these wonderful people for helping to make Portland seem more like home.

The Waiting Moms- I can’t say enough about the friendship and camaraderie  of this group of amazing women. This process is hard and having the love and support of these awesome women really makes it a whole lot easier. I am so grateful for this group of people. Eternally grateful. I can’t wait for our kids to play and grow up together.

The Kids- We have gone to the airport and have welcomed home Haptamu, Zeditu, Miles, Teriku and Porter J. We have seen these bewildered and exhausted kids exit the airplane and have had the honor to witness the love of them meeting their extend families for the first time. Powerful stuff.  We have seen them go from referral photos to whole, funny and very real kids. I can’t wait to meet our friends kids still in Ethiopia and witness this miracle time and time again. I can’t wait to meet and get to know E, L, S, and B. I hope you come home soon kiddos- your parents really miss you!

Andy Beach– after 10 years of marriage my husband makes me laugh hard everyday. He is the person I love and trust the most. This year has brought him tremendous professional success. There is nothing I love more than watching Andy play with kids. I can’t wait to see him with our own.

My Mom- It has been a hard year. After 64 years of living in Michigan my mom joined us in Portland. She is a very brave and funny woman. I I am so glad and grateful she is here to be on this journey with us. I hope that I am at least a half as good as a mom as she is.

Our Furry Babies- Sweet Georgia Brown turned 15 this year. She is full of spunk and vigor. I love her so much! Bella Monkeywitz continues to be my shadow and personal foot warmer. Both of these hairy beasts make me laugh and feel even move loved everyday.

Usually optimism isn’t my strong suit. Andy says my glass is half full- but its full of poison. I don’t want to put a Kenahora on 2011 but I am feeling optimistic. My hopes for the year are that my relationships -old and new- continue to grow and deepen. That we get to bring home our son or daughter. That we continue in good health and as always, good humor.

So after my emotional breakdown last week I thought I would post an update because despite my glumness a lot of very happy and positive things happened last week.  Lots of folks emailed me with lots of support to “hang in there” which was very sweet and encouraging.  It reminded me of the richness of our community. I feel lucky and loved.

I had an encouraging conversation with our agency. They were pretty assuring that the media was making a bigger deal out of the Ethiopian adoption issue than what was being felt on the ground. They also said (good info) that when we had started this process they were able to push larger batches of referrals through at once. Now that there are two trips and higher bureaucracy that the referral are coming in more as a trickle- but to hang in there (like we were going to give up now).

My most amazing and wonderful former knit group the Durham String Thing surprised me with a sock yarn baby blanket and my friend Katherine knit me a giant stuffed elephant. They really are a terrific group of folks and I feel really lucky to still consider myself a String Thinger.  I also started an informal knitting group with a new friend this week. When she asked about the adoption (I was doing a bit lamenting) she said she was pulling for us even before she ever met us.

My friend Lori– sent me this link about getting to the top of the waiting list and how it apparently makes everyone a little fucking crazy. I am totally going back to re-watch the Gilmore Girls from Season 1. That shit is like crack cocaine and Lexipro mixed into one dvd.

The highpoint of my week came at my volunteer gig. I volunteer at Africa House in the senior citizen art class. Many of the seniors are Ethiopian with a few Eritrean and Somali folks thrown in. I feel so lucky that I get to go there once a week and get hugged. Really hugged. I should totally be paying them to hug me. It is the best freaking therapy on the planet. One of my favorite seniors Momena gives these wonderful full body hugs. Truly I can’t get enough of them.  So I was feeling a little fragile on Friday and kept just randomly hugging Momena—it helped, it helped a lot.

The art teacher was off for the holidays and I was asked to fill in doing a craft. We made these little bird ornament thingys out of felt. I think they had fun with the project. I had fun with the project. Some of them came out utterly amazing some came out amazing- some more um, special. I don’t used the word “blessed” very much in my vocabulary- but I really truly believe in my heart of a thousand hearts that I am overwhelmingly blessed to get to spend even a second of my life with such an awesome group of people.

Here is a link to the photos on my flickr page.

So yeah, I am feeling better. Also its 10:46 a.m. on a Sunday and I have no intentions of getting out of my pajamas until its time to meet our friends for dinner—even then it’s a toss up if I am going to change out of them. It’s Portland right? I can wear anything to dinner.

I think I am starting to hit my low point in this adoption process. I have been so patient but now I have officially lost my mind and am giving into my emotions.  I mean I am totally an emotional person- so it’s miracle that I haven’t given in before—right?

It might be a case of holiday melancholia- feeling a little resentful that we are STILL childless over the holidays is starting to sting this year. We knew that by we wouldn’t have a kid by Christmukah 2010- but I am starting to feel a little antsy.

A terrible thing happened in Ethiopia – a few babies died. It is the most horrible thing imaginable and a stark reminder that we take basic health care and low infant mortality for granted here in developed countries. Obviously this has an effect on our own adoption. I am not bitching about that—please- don’t for a second that I am. One of my dear friends daughter was one of the three—and her loss had a visceral affect on our community. It’s a terrible terrible loss of a beautiful beautiful baby. My heart truly aches for those families. I give my friend a tremendous amount of credit for handling her loss with so much grace and bravery.

What is concerning me is the lack of movement from our agency and the lack of communication.  There hasn’t been a significant amount of referrals in almost 8 weeks. Frankly it’s really freaking me out. There was recently an article about how Ethiopia is under scrutiny for illegal or immoral adoption and in my (weekend paranoid state) I think that something is “up”. I really need to know what’s going on because it’s making me crazy. I want our fucking referral. I want this process to keep moving a long. It feels stalled. I hope this is temporary- but yeah- today, right now; it’s getting the best of me.

I am posting this- not because I need people to tell me its going to be okay—I know our kid is out there and waiting for us. I always say that adoption isn’t for the faint of heart. I consider myself a pretty brave and wise person, but yeah. Today it fucking sucks an assburger sandwich.

So today we found out we are number 5 on the adoption wait list! This is really really good and exciting news. It literally means we can “Get the Call” any freaking time. This is when they tell you who your kid is going to be! Since we said we were open to a boy or girl from 0-12 months at the time of referral- it can really be anything. We will have a photo, a name, history and medical records. This is a huge moment because we will see our kids face for the first time. I just want to know whom this little person will be- I have been really good. I have no patience as a person, and I have been really patient – but yeah I am ready. I was staring at my cell phone, willing it to ring today.

I keep thinking about all the scenarios of us getting the call. Will it be next week when we are visiting my dad and step mom in Vegas? Problematic – dad hates it when I scream – and I am gonna scream. Will it be when I am at a temp job? Oy vey I will have to bail or at least lose my ever-so thin veil of professionalism. Will it be over the week of Christmas when our dear friends are visiting? Will it be (probably because it will be the most inconvenient) when Andy is en route somewhere and on an airplane, unreachable and I will have to sit with this info by myself. Or will we just be at home, hanging out; thus turning a totally uneventful and unmemorable day into an extremely eventful and memorable one.

Will we get to hop on a plane the next day and whisk our kid away? Nope, of course not. Bloody sucks. A few weeks after the referral our adoption agency will give us a court date (usually about 2 months away) and that’s when we get to go and meet our kid for the first time. This is a new process and I don’t think we will get to spend all that much time with our kid. It’s probably not a great idea to bond with this little person only to leave again, breaking both of our hearts. We have some friends who are on the first trip now. Sometime after our first trip (like 6-12) weeks we will get to pick our kiddo up and he/she will be ours forever.

Adoption is a long-ass process and it ain’t for the faint of heart.